Since writing my last bulletin I have been thinking allot about my friends. When it suddenly hit me ... the majority of my friends are either married, buying houses or having/have children!
I'm 23, not exactly a age i ever thought I would reach and be thinking about settling down already. I couldn't be happier for the friends of mine who are getting rooted and taking those next steps in to their future with partners. It seems like a unreachable dream in this day and age to actually be able to find such happiness, so believe me, it puts a smile on my face every time I hear this sort of great news.
However, I have to admit... it has scared me a little at the same time. Suddenly it felt like my boat was being rocked, very heavily. I had so many memories come rushing through my mind, all the times I thought I was head over heels in love, only to be disappointed each time... 6 times to be exact. So, 6 failed rships before the age of 23 leaves a slightly nasty after taste and hasn't exactly given me much hope that I will ever get married, have a family let alone be able to ever afford a mortgage! And I question 'love' every time it rears its head now. So I wonder...how have all my friends managed it? and how is no one freaking out about it? I have been with my current boyfriend for the last 2 and a half years, but i have no interest whatsoever in getting married anytime soon, or even having to think about it properly! Sure, we have the odd conversation about how we would go about getting married, what we would expect from our married life etc, but I haven't ever SERIOUSLY thought about it! I also think I would be a terrible mother! Poppy (my dog) has replaced any maternal instincts i may have ever had and I am in no position to ever dream I would own my own house!
I am terrified of reaching my 50s and being a grumpy old bat with only my smelly dog for company! When i was growing up i used to fantasise about having a house full of kids, all the noise, hustle and bustle..I loved the idea of it! But now i don't think i could actually handle that at all!
So it turns out i am at a bit of a turning point in my life, where I am trying to figure out what my goals actually are and where i would ideally like to be in ten-twenty years time! Strangely.. I don't see a husband, house or kids running around! just a nice apartment with lots of dogs and maybe my choice of career, but no piles of cash! This is the reality i see, but i actually feel slightly guilty!
With so many people getting married, having kids and buying houses.. I feel like I'm doing something wrong if i don't do it too! I have even had the terrible (and slightly stupid) thought enter my head 'is there something wrong with me?'. Of course there isn't really, but i can't help but feel slightly out of place, and unfortunately a little scared and lonely!
After thinking it all through I have reached a level of comfort and feeling content in how i am living my life. I take each day as it comes, I wake up smiling every morning, I do what I would like to on most days of the week, I have a gorgeous doggy companion through each day that isn't any hassle at all, I have a load of opportunities ahead of me and different roads i can take, i have wonderful friends and family, and a really great relationship... Life really isn't so bad! So i have decided to completely defeat that funny feeling in my belly that i may be doing something wrong, by enjoying the great things i do have in my life and really appreciating them and at the same time giving a big warm genuine smile to all my friends who are happy and settling. Life is really bloody fantastic, whatever you may be doing!
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