Its a grey sunday afternoon. After a long walk on the moors I'm having a nice chilled time, loungeing around on my bed, poppy snoozing next to me, lots of writing and the film Almost Famous playing in the background. On my little breaks between writing and other such things, I do what most of us do, have a quick nose on facebook. See if i have any oh so important messages to reply to or truly gripping statuses to catch up on!! Some how I ended up stumbleing across my 'friends list'. Stumbleing around on facebook seems to be the only thing you can really do on there! I realised, looking at my list of friends, most of them, I dont actually really talk to anymore. What amazes me more is the people who have over 400 friends on facebook. Come on now! Either you have alot of friends who are reeeaallly not your friends, or you need the kick of attention and feel poplular adding anyone who may have any sort of connection to you what so ever. Absalout bullshit if you ask me! I used to have over 300 friends on there and deleted the majority in the end when i realised I WAS one of those silly people who added and accepted any person i may have ever uttered any words to.
Today when I had a browse through my so called list of friends, I realised, once again, that alot of the people on there aren't actually my real friends! So i decided to scroll through them and do some recycling, as i now like to call it. When suddenly I was hit with the most rediculous emotion! Yes, I said EMOTION! I realise this seems stupid, to have any sort of emotion over some thing as pathetic, insignificant and totally unrealistic as FACEBOOK. But i was hit with a sence of guilt and awkwardness as I waved the mouse over the delete button for particular people. There were even a few I still couldnt bring my self to delete from my fookin facebook world! JESUS CHRIST! Why did this happen?! There are some I simply dont want to get rid of because they are my actual friends, If i only had these people on there I would probably only have about 25 friends on facebook. But then there are the friends I havent seen in years, but they still matter to me, and the times inbetween when we do email and catch up are times I don't really want to get rid of, as even though I may not have full contact with these people anymore, they still mean some thing to me and I am still interested In hearing how they are getting on and of course always have the hopes that if we are visiting each others area where we live that we can find the time to actually see eachother and catch up in REAL LIFE! Then there are the people, who arent ACTUAL real friends, but people you used to hang around with or see around alot and some how sort of picked up along the way in my litte life. Again, these people interest me, we have things in common and I dont really fancy getting rid of them as they are good for the whole ''cyber banter'' scene! (if that makes any sence at all!). Blimey, this whole thing gets more complicated and confusing than its worth! Right, then there are the people, who you still possibly see around but dont actually go out of your way to spend any time with. In the past you may have worked together or hung around in the same crowd, but you dont really have anything to do with eachother, yet you comment on eachothers statuses endlessly and it all pretty much ends there. THESE are the people I cannot for the life of me, bring myself to delete, and I actually have no idea why! When I really think about it, I realise its because of fear of running into them and having that awkward moment of being polite to eachother but having that underlieing feeling of, me from my end ''shite I deleted this person from facebook, have they realised!!!'' or them ''what a bitch, she deleted me from facebook and now shes talking to me''. Why do these two worlds have to meet and combine?! I have decided all i really want from facebook is a place to comunicate with my real friends, family, work buddies, people I do projects with and anyone who has anything to do with my business and visa versa. But If I keep people out of fear of running into them, then I am going completely against what I want from the whole facebook experience.
It shouldnt really matter to me, and I could just think ''fuck it! its only the internet, just add whoever and accept whoever on there!''. But at the end of the day, it does matter to me! I love going on there and hearing how my friends are doing, but after a while it does piss me off to scroll through the bullshit and amongst it try to fish out the ones who I actually want to read about. I dont really have any interest in hearing how some person I hardly know and have no interest in kids are doing or why their screaming baby is doing their head in, or how their night of being rat arsed and vomitting in their shoes was the best night they have had all year etc! I just want to know about the people that matter to me on different levels.
It all gets so rediculously complicated some times that it would just be easier to get rid of it alltogether. I did that last year, and it was so nice to just have my phone for contacts that really mattered. My boyfriend got rid of it for how stupid and pointless it all was and he hasnt missed it at all. I also really love it when I hear people dont have facebook, I always think ''wow, you live in the REAL world! where REAL people and REAL things matter to you!''. But for now, I am still enjoying catching up with old friends, keeping intouch with current friends and getting to know new friends on there. So, head up high, deep breath and DELETE the ones I dont really need on there!
Anyone else have this problem? Just me? Fabulous!
The Ages of Our Lives!
I have always been facinated with the ages we reach and what we are supposed to have achieved in that time!
So, before you turn 16 your pretty much left in peace and get to just be a kid, all though a scary thought is being a kid in this day and age means having a child of your own..eek! When your 18 your supposed to be in some sort of college education, or taking time out to travel and explore the world. When you reach your early twenties its uni and thinking about a possible career. When your in your mid to late twenties, for alot of people, its time to start thinking about settleing down a little...at this age your supposed to have your chosen career possibly taking off the ground, marriage and kids. OHMYGOD!! This all terrifies me. After all I am only 23 soon to be 24. But I left school early, certainly didnt go to college or uni, I dont even want to think about marriage and having kids would be my worst nightmare at this moment in time! I moved back home with my mum when money became too tight and i couldnt afford to live on my own anymore, I work part time, I have my own little business wich is by no means some thing for me to survive off, I have a boyfriend of three years and the only responsibilty in my life is my dog and my health!
Neaerly everyone I know is married, house hunting or own a house, have kids or a career. Naturally I cant help but feel like I am doing some thing completely wrong. I almost feel guilty that I am not living on my own, that I dont want to get married, that I have no interest in having children (although I seem to treat animals, such as poppy, as my children!!!) and I just cant seem to really figure out where my life is heading! This is clearly plagueing me as i have blogged about it before. I want to go on holidays but with my health I have had to make myself become not interested in travelling, well, not on my own at least! Of course I would love to have my own place to live again, but financially its just not a possibilty at the moment. Of course I could make it a possibilty by working a 9-5 job and getting the money in, but i honestly cant bare the thought of being trapped in the same place of work day in day out like I did in the past. It sounds a little ignorant, but it actually drives me mad! When my dad fell seriously ill a few years ago it hit me like a ton of bricks life is too short to waste, and i certainly dont want to feel like i have wasted my life doing some thing I dont enjoy the majority of the time. So i made changes. Having p.o.t.s has also forced me to be unable to work full time for some one else, but its also forced me to do what I really want to do and not what I feel I have to do. But with that, of course, comes a unique life style, not one that many people my age have! At times I think I feel guilty simply because my choice of life is 'different' and not full of one acheivement after the other, like a house, marriage, kids etc. But more small achievments that make me happy inside myself. Although, If I am completely honest...I would like to have my own house because I would love to have a place to call home for once in my life. But untill that happens my life seems to be on a different path to most others.
At the end of the day...its a total head mess! I look at all my friends acheivements and think ''wow! look at them go!'' but at the same time, I dont actually want these things myself as I clearly pointed out above....so why feel guilty about it?! I guess the only thing is that I am worried I will regret some thing one day that I missed out on! But then its never too late...My auntie got married last year and she is in her 60s..FANTASTIC! A house doesnt go with your heart when you die, so its not the most important thing in life! Having kids could change at any time, afterall I am very young and its not some thing for me to think about now. Who knows what will happen...But I would like to live on my own again, that is some thing I DO know! So maybe that can be a goal for me to work towards, infact YES that is going to be my goal to work towards!
Aaah, rant over! Life figured out (not quite), feel much better. fanbloggingtastic :)
So, before you turn 16 your pretty much left in peace and get to just be a kid, all though a scary thought is being a kid in this day and age means having a child of your own..eek! When your 18 your supposed to be in some sort of college education, or taking time out to travel and explore the world. When you reach your early twenties its uni and thinking about a possible career. When your in your mid to late twenties, for alot of people, its time to start thinking about settleing down a little...at this age your supposed to have your chosen career possibly taking off the ground, marriage and kids. OHMYGOD!! This all terrifies me. After all I am only 23 soon to be 24. But I left school early, certainly didnt go to college or uni, I dont even want to think about marriage and having kids would be my worst nightmare at this moment in time! I moved back home with my mum when money became too tight and i couldnt afford to live on my own anymore, I work part time, I have my own little business wich is by no means some thing for me to survive off, I have a boyfriend of three years and the only responsibilty in my life is my dog and my health!
Neaerly everyone I know is married, house hunting or own a house, have kids or a career. Naturally I cant help but feel like I am doing some thing completely wrong. I almost feel guilty that I am not living on my own, that I dont want to get married, that I have no interest in having children (although I seem to treat animals, such as poppy, as my children!!!) and I just cant seem to really figure out where my life is heading! This is clearly plagueing me as i have blogged about it before. I want to go on holidays but with my health I have had to make myself become not interested in travelling, well, not on my own at least! Of course I would love to have my own place to live again, but financially its just not a possibilty at the moment. Of course I could make it a possibilty by working a 9-5 job and getting the money in, but i honestly cant bare the thought of being trapped in the same place of work day in day out like I did in the past. It sounds a little ignorant, but it actually drives me mad! When my dad fell seriously ill a few years ago it hit me like a ton of bricks life is too short to waste, and i certainly dont want to feel like i have wasted my life doing some thing I dont enjoy the majority of the time. So i made changes. Having p.o.t.s has also forced me to be unable to work full time for some one else, but its also forced me to do what I really want to do and not what I feel I have to do. But with that, of course, comes a unique life style, not one that many people my age have! At times I think I feel guilty simply because my choice of life is 'different' and not full of one acheivement after the other, like a house, marriage, kids etc. But more small achievments that make me happy inside myself. Although, If I am completely honest...I would like to have my own house because I would love to have a place to call home for once in my life. But untill that happens my life seems to be on a different path to most others.
At the end of the day...its a total head mess! I look at all my friends acheivements and think ''wow! look at them go!'' but at the same time, I dont actually want these things myself as I clearly pointed out above....so why feel guilty about it?! I guess the only thing is that I am worried I will regret some thing one day that I missed out on! But then its never too late...My auntie got married last year and she is in her 60s..FANTASTIC! A house doesnt go with your heart when you die, so its not the most important thing in life! Having kids could change at any time, afterall I am very young and its not some thing for me to think about now. Who knows what will happen...But I would like to live on my own again, that is some thing I DO know! So maybe that can be a goal for me to work towards, infact YES that is going to be my goal to work towards!
Aaah, rant over! Life figured out (not quite), feel much better. fanbloggingtastic :)
Depression? Or just human nature?!
I know alot of people who have been diagnosed with depression, and I am not the only one! Nearly all of us know at least one person who had been diagnosed with the same. Even I was nearly diagnosed with depression, but I refused to allow it! When the doctor said ''well your clearly depressed'' I replied ''no! I have been through a bit of a rough patch!''. Some times it almost feels as if its not 'normal' to feel symptoms of depression in your life...because god forbid you do, you instantly get stamped with label ''depressed''! But, isnt it just a part of life to go in and out of phases that make you feel depressed? Life for no one is easy breezy, Every single one of us goes through hard times at one point or another! So naturally we go through the recovery process wich involves feeling very unsettled within yourself along with feelings of hopelessness, irratability and sadness, to name just a few. Every one is different, so for each of us the time period in feeling the above varies. One person might feel depressed for years, others for just a day or two! Either way we all feel it and if we dig deep enough there are reasons why, even if it takes a long time to figure out what the reasons are! So what is with all the diagnoses of depression? I understand that in some people it is very severe and can cause feelings of a suicidal nature. But then why diagnose people with depression who are just reaching out and have been through a hard time? What amazes me is how a deeply tormented person can be daignosed with depression as well as some one whose just having a hard time at work and struggling to cope with the pressure. Also, the number of people who do get diagnosed is shocking that it makes me wonder...isnt this just a big fucking wake up call that life is moving too fast and alot of us are struggling to keep up with the pace? all the expectations, pressures, needs and wants and must haves, its just becoming rediculous! The world is turning at a slow pace, nature goes through its cycles in a healthy steady pace, Yet we are the only species running around like blue ass flies its hard to grab hold of some thing still when your head is just constantly spinning! We have endless amounts of ways to self medicate to help us cope with the never ending, speedy process of life! No wonder we all feel a little blue sometimes. And with all the expectations and pressures from society, no wonder the doctors are shoving pills down our throat. Because if we cant succeed as a normal healthy person, we must succeed as numbed robots who have been deeply ignored for the actual reason they have ended up feeling so depressed! It seems to me that almost anyone can be diagnosed with depression, all you need to do is tell the doctor you havent been feeling too happy lately. And it also seems to me that in the last ten years the doctors are hell bent on diagnosing anyone they can with depression and putting as many people as they can on anti depressants. Why has it suddenly become such a big deal to be feeling down? Its not like humans have always been dead happy and suddenly we're all under the weather! From as far back as humans have existed, the majority have been depressed at one point or another. Why now do we have to feel liek there is some thing wrong with us if we aren't happy? Too many people, too much pressure, too little time! Thats what I think! The doctors dont have time to dig deep into everyones life and help them the best they can, so they rush you out of the surgery as quick as they can and give you a slip of paper to grab yourself some magic pills. Wouldnt it just be easier to say ''its ok! we all feel down from one time or another, you arent mentally insane, there isnt anything wrong with you, you have every right to feel pissed off, let down, hurt, upset, angry, sad and hopeless, just go through it and learn from it the best you can!''. And yes, I do think we all have the right to feel depressed without having to feel like there is some thing wrong with us! After all...where do you go for a dose of happiness? certainly not to the tv, the amounts of horror films, terrifying news stories, grey and gloomy soaps, hard hitting documentries and other such 'depressing' things in the media is enough to drive anyone mad if you soak it all up long enough, we are hearing constantly of all the terrible things that happen amongst our planet constantly. We all know some one who has been through some thing horrific and most of us have had hard times ourselves!...there for, we have every right to feel pretty blue about it! I really don't understand the craze thats going on at the moment, that we 'should' all feel normal and level headed. I dont understand why we should take pills and be expected to smile when we are trying to digest a struggle we have been through. I dont understand why we have to get on with life as if nothing has happened. I dont understand why we cant just go ''fuck this! Iv had a rough time and im pretty peeved about it!''. But then it all comes back down to one thing, the one thing that we react to like magpies to shiney things....money! Society doesnt like it when we are out of work, and the doctors see patients endlessly who are too depressed to work! So the cycle begins...give them pills, numb them to the eyeballs, and they can continue to work like robots! How nice we have entered such a narrow minded place in this world where the only thing that matters is success and money, not our well being and health.
Kids are being diagnosed with depression, this actually makes me laugh! Have we really become that retarded to think if a child is deeply unhappy and dont care to talk about it they must just have a imbalance of some sort that anti depressants will sort right out? Any child that shows signs of depression has most defently got a very good reason as to why that is! So before you stuff them with tablets, or brush it off as a hormonal imbalance or mental disorder...perhaps make a little more effort to dig as deep as you can and correct a wrong doing that has come upon them in their young life!
Lets all wake the fuck up! Life is tough and the pace is only speeding up. How on earth are we all meant to keep up with all these crazy expectations and live a life that is only satisfactory in the eyes of society, but not in our hearts! If you are unhappy...you probably have every right to be! Take all the time YOU need to give yourself the life you want and need!
Kids are being diagnosed with depression, this actually makes me laugh! Have we really become that retarded to think if a child is deeply unhappy and dont care to talk about it they must just have a imbalance of some sort that anti depressants will sort right out? Any child that shows signs of depression has most defently got a very good reason as to why that is! So before you stuff them with tablets, or brush it off as a hormonal imbalance or mental disorder...perhaps make a little more effort to dig as deep as you can and correct a wrong doing that has come upon them in their young life!
Lets all wake the fuck up! Life is tough and the pace is only speeding up. How on earth are we all meant to keep up with all these crazy expectations and live a life that is only satisfactory in the eyes of society, but not in our hearts! If you are unhappy...you probably have every right to be! Take all the time YOU need to give yourself the life you want and need!
I remember a time when i LOL'd for real..
I grew up without a computer. The nearest thing we had to a computer was a keypad that we could plug into the telly and 'pretend' we were on a real computer! My childhood was all about creativity and using the mind to find fun things to do..i.e games, with real people in the real world! I never would have even began to imagine that we would enter a phase in the world where every one communicates THROUGH a computer, as apposed to face to face, in real life! I thought the phone was magical enough...'how amazing' i thought 'our voices can travel down a wire into the other persons ear!'. So you can imagine just how fascinated i was when i got my hands on a computer for the first time.
I have to admit, My laptop is one of my most valuable possessions. Purely because I am forever using it for my writing, photo editing, keeping control of my website and social networking. And now, I am a bit of a natural, like most people, at instant messaging and communicating through email and on line messages! But when I first came across social networking I felt like a complete and utter idiot! How weird to 'chat' to some one without actually hearing their voice. When I first began joining in this craze people must have thought I had a completely emotionless and empty head due to my lack of knowledge on how to express, well, anything without seeing the persons face or hearing their voice. I had no idea what so ever how to transmit any sort of enthusisasm or emotion over the Internet...and it all made me feel very weird, detached and stupid! I remember the first time, I was at home and my best friend Kerry was at school, I was using my sisters boyfriends computer and attempted my first online chat with Kerry. I remember as I typed ''hello, how are you'' i looked around the room and felt really embarrassed that i was trying to talk to some one in this really odd and emotionless way! I had just talked to her on the phone, why would i ask how she is, but that is how i begin all my emails, so this must be how I begin any sort of instant messaging also. Then, she LOL'd at me! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT! I ignored it thinking she had made some spelling error...but she continued to LOL every time we had any sort of amusing chat exchange...so, feeling silly, I asked her ''what is LOL'' and she replied ''laugh out loud, it means I find it funny what you have said!''. I couldn't believe it..there was a actual virtual way of laughing. I attempted to lol in future but it made me feel like a right pillock...so instead I would, and still do, write ''hahaha'' if I find some thing funny. After all..who really sits at their computer with no one around and Laughs Out Loud! Its just rubbish if you ask me..a simple way to say ''yeah that was funny what you just said but im not reeeaallly laughing out loud!''. And if some thing really does make me fall off my chair with laughter I will just tell them ''that really made me laugh''. Or as my good friend Gem says ''I just laughed out loud in this quiet office and everyone now thinks Im mental''...much better! It makes me laugh in return and is a honest portrayal of how mental us humans look sitting laughing at a screen! Brilliant!
I am completely all for the Internet and all its great advantages, but I refuse to use shortcuts to express some thing! Just say it as it is, be real, we are REAl..we are not living in a computer game and we don't live in a virtual world!
I have to admit, My laptop is one of my most valuable possessions. Purely because I am forever using it for my writing, photo editing, keeping control of my website and social networking. And now, I am a bit of a natural, like most people, at instant messaging and communicating through email and on line messages! But when I first came across social networking I felt like a complete and utter idiot! How weird to 'chat' to some one without actually hearing their voice. When I first began joining in this craze people must have thought I had a completely emotionless and empty head due to my lack of knowledge on how to express, well, anything without seeing the persons face or hearing their voice. I had no idea what so ever how to transmit any sort of enthusisasm or emotion over the Internet...and it all made me feel very weird, detached and stupid! I remember the first time, I was at home and my best friend Kerry was at school, I was using my sisters boyfriends computer and attempted my first online chat with Kerry. I remember as I typed ''hello, how are you'' i looked around the room and felt really embarrassed that i was trying to talk to some one in this really odd and emotionless way! I had just talked to her on the phone, why would i ask how she is, but that is how i begin all my emails, so this must be how I begin any sort of instant messaging also. Then, she LOL'd at me! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT! I ignored it thinking she had made some spelling error...but she continued to LOL every time we had any sort of amusing chat exchange...so, feeling silly, I asked her ''what is LOL'' and she replied ''laugh out loud, it means I find it funny what you have said!''. I couldn't believe it..there was a actual virtual way of laughing. I attempted to lol in future but it made me feel like a right pillock...so instead I would, and still do, write ''hahaha'' if I find some thing funny. After all..who really sits at their computer with no one around and Laughs Out Loud! Its just rubbish if you ask me..a simple way to say ''yeah that was funny what you just said but im not reeeaallly laughing out loud!''. And if some thing really does make me fall off my chair with laughter I will just tell them ''that really made me laugh''. Or as my good friend Gem says ''I just laughed out loud in this quiet office and everyone now thinks Im mental''...much better! It makes me laugh in return and is a honest portrayal of how mental us humans look sitting laughing at a screen! Brilliant!
I am completely all for the Internet and all its great advantages, but I refuse to use shortcuts to express some thing! Just say it as it is, be real, we are REAl..we are not living in a computer game and we don't live in a virtual world!
A little bit of the good life...or just some thing inbetween!
My thoughts and feelings about money go from one extreme to another! In one way I would be happy to live in a caravan, just me and my dog. Have a liscence and travel around. On the other hand I often find myself day dreaming of having a ton of cash and being able to live in a big house with lots of clean furniture, simplisitic with loads of space around me, Lots of dogs for company with friends and family visiting and even family living at one end of the house (yes the house i day dream about is VERY big). I think that is actually my dream, not a unusaual one! But I grew up with next to nothing, and learned the importance in life is the people around you who you love and to be the best person you can be. My life has been far from materialistic, and the most important gifts I recieved from my family were the beautiful lessons learned on the journey of my life. I can happily go one way or another...to live the life of a traveller or to have a life of material richness. My life, however, is rich..its rich with love, rich with experience, rich with apreciation, rich with true emotions, rich with comfort and support. But I guess we all want what we cant have. It's terrible, but i can never escape the thought of wanting to have lots of money, be able to give my family what they rightly deserve after a life of struggle and to have the comfort of knowing everything will be ok! Who doesnt?!
I love the thought of being able to afford fantistic holidays and travel time and coming back to a wonderful home. I guess what Im saying is I have never had a 'home'...my family are my home, but no destination! Having moved around so much I have never really settled, and spending you entire life renting you never feel any pile of bricks is actually yours to go back to. I do what I can to help with certain organisations, charities, people, animals and the enviroment... but I can never escape the thought that repeatedly pops in my head ''if I had money I could do so much more!''.
My life is wonderful, it always has been! Sure, I have been through a ton of troubles and so has my family, but the beauty of my life is the love I have within it. No amounts of money could ever buy that! And for that I am eternally greatfull.
I love the thought of being able to afford fantistic holidays and travel time and coming back to a wonderful home. I guess what Im saying is I have never had a 'home'...my family are my home, but no destination! Having moved around so much I have never really settled, and spending you entire life renting you never feel any pile of bricks is actually yours to go back to. I do what I can to help with certain organisations, charities, people, animals and the enviroment... but I can never escape the thought that repeatedly pops in my head ''if I had money I could do so much more!''.
My life is wonderful, it always has been! Sure, I have been through a ton of troubles and so has my family, but the beauty of my life is the love I have within it. No amounts of money could ever buy that! And for that I am eternally greatfull.
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